Am I Normal? The Two Most Common Sexual "Problems"

North American society has a unique way of contributing to a LOT of confusion about sexuality. On one level, we receive a message that sex is hot and exciting… and something to be celebrated and enjoyed.

On another level, we’re told that it’s dangerous (i.e. you might get a sexually transmitted infection or become pregnant) and that we should try to reduce the number of sexual partners we have. Add the complicated factors of religion (sex should only happen in the context of marriage) and/or society’s messages about what is beautiful (beautiful = young and thin)... and what do we get? – a wide spectrum of people who feel conflicted about their sexualities and sexual expressions.

This includes, but is not limited to: shame about one’s body, fear about engaging in sex (pregnancy or STI’s), fear of how a partner will receive you because of your body “flaws,” discomfort around disclosing the number of sexual partners you’ve had, fear about whether your sexuality, sexual preferences, and/or sexual functioning are “normal,” etc. When people walk around with so many conflicts surrounding their sexualities, it’s very difficult for people to function at an optimal level.

Research indicates that the most common sexual concern for men is premature ejaculation… and the most common sexual concern for women is low sexual desire.

But what exactly constitutes “premature?” Premature according to who? If John’s partner feels satisfied after 3 minutes of intercourse, is that long enough? If John’s partner only feels satisfied after 45 minutes, is that long enough? How long should John last before ejaculating? What amount of time would seem “reasonable?”

Regarding low sexual desire, I ask the same question – what constitutes “low” sexual desire? If Sally wants to engage in sex twice/week but she has a desire to engage in sex 7 times/week… is this considered low sexual desire? If Sally wants to engage in sex once/month but is perfectly fine with that, should this be considered low desire?

My point is – the medical model that over-rides North American society suggests that there is something called “normal” with respect to sexual functioning…. But functioning is dependent on so many factors. Body physiology & chemistry, psychological health, the emotional climate of a relationship, social expectations, culture, religion, sleep, personal preferences, past trauma, medications, and food all play a role in a person’s sexual functioning.

Some would even argue that your astrological sign plays a role! When you put all of these factors together, the writing on the wall is clear – sexual functioning is unique for each person.... and though we have studies that suggest there is a “norm,” every individual is different depending on the day. Many times we have expectations of ourselves with respect to sexual functioning… and when we don’t live up to such expectations we may feel anxious, inadequate, and/or abnormal… which only creates more problems with sexual functioning.

So when you ask yourself, “Am I normal?” I would encourage you to think about what is important to you in terms of your sexual functioning and sexual expressions.

For example, is John’s ability to last for 45 minutes the most important component of his sexual expression… or is connecting with his partner and pleasing one another the most important?

There are tools and techniques that many sex therapists use to help clients embrace a more fulfilling sex life… but the bulk of the work of a sex therapist is actually around helping people identify unrealistic expectations, helping people accept the realities of their bodies, encouraging people to embrace a more open stance to their sexual expressions, and addressing relational issues that are impacting sexual functioning and expression.

by Dr. Danielle Duplassie
Dr. Danielle Duplassie is the Founder and Director of The Shanti Counselling Centre, located in Burnaby and Vancouver, British Columbia. She is a Registered Clinical Counsellor and Board-Certified Sexologist, and provides Relational and Sex Therapy to clients from various walks of life. For more information visit www.shanti-centre.com.