Contemplating the Changing Nature of Desire

 Anyone blessed to be in a long term relationship will be able to identify with how both you and that partner change over time. Your physical appearance and abilities, priorities and energy levels do not remain the same.

Young parents with children will attest to the impact that sleep deprivation can have on their intimacy. Individuals who are experiencing periods of high stress and long hours at work may notice their sex drive altered. Hormonal changes brought on by menopause impact sexual desire. The appearance of a chronic condition such as arthritis can also impact desire and ability.

My relationship with Lady is no different. We have each faced circumstances that have impacted our sexual desires and abilities. We have weathered long "dry spells" where intimacy was less about sex and more about cuddling. We have also had to contend with the changing nature of desire itself.

Just as we as individuals do not remain static, the nature of our desire changes as well. What once was a huge turn on may not be as much anymore. Perhaps a position or activity is no longer physically comfortable or possible. Perhaps you feel self-conscious about your body in way you did not before. Perhaps you can't maintain the same level of arousal in a specific situation. I see people nodding their heads. Yes, we've all been there at one time or another.

The challenge becomes how to address this. I know I certainly didn't want to make Lady feel badly. I didn't want her to think I loved her less because something wasn't working for me anymore. Long term relationships can be vulnerable, I think, because we take for granted that we know each other (or should by now) very well. Common sense tells us that communication is critical here; however, we all know it can be hard to talk about and sometimes even harder to hear.

"Honey, I want to talk to you about why I've been so distant lately..."
"What do you mean you don't like it this way anymore?"
"I've had this repressed submissive side that I've always been afraid to let out."
"If you haven't missed it until now, what has changed?"

It can be terrifying to talk to a partner about a long repressed need. It can be humiliating to talk about a change in your ability to respond to their advances. It can be painful to hear that your loved one has been long repressed. And hearing about your partner's loss of desire can make it easy to feel insecure.

Lady and I have faced more than a few of these challenges over the years. Yes, communication is critical. Even more important is how this communication happens - it needs to come from a place of love and respect. The initiator needs to pick a time and place that will support this intent. The receiver needs to be open, to suspend judgement and manage their own emotional response. Easier said than done, yes?

We have a few simple ground rules in our relationship that have helped us to manage in these situations and I share them with you for consideration:

• Think before you speak. Yes, you can always apologize later but know that the damage has already been done and there is a cumulative cost in any relationship when too many things are said in anger. 
• It isn't always about you. When your partner is trying to express something that is obviously a big deal for them, if your first reaction is strong/negative, take a deep breath, push it back and let them finish. Don't be accusatory - ask questions. This discussion wasn't undertaken to hurt you - remember that.
• Some things cannot be worked out in one conversation. Be prepared to invest some time, energy and patience. Remember why you love this person and why their feelings are as important as your own.
• Own your own shit. We all have baggage, habitual patterns of responding to things we don't like. Some may be carry overs from previous relationships. These are not your partner's fault or doing. Remember who it is you are dealing with in the here and now.
• Have a key word, phrase or action to indicate a "time out" even if you both know the discussion is far from over. If one or both of us retreats to another room, we always give each other a short time out. We know this isn't an abandonment of the discussion, just a time out. We often signal our mutual desire to continue the discussion, but from a refreshed point of view, by coming together, touching briefly and once eye contact is established, one of us will ask, "Friends?" The other will respond, "Friends." Then we continue.

Of course what comes after such discussion is equally as important. While I love the familiarity of intimacy with my partner, I also make an effort to treat my beloved as a new lover from time to time. I ask, "What would make this better for you?" and the only agenda at that time for me is her pleasure. Similarly, she has shown an interest in the new things I want to try and has gotten into the spirit even though I know her primary pleasure is seeing the impact these have on me. In both instances, we are putting the other person first. We are cognizant that in any relationship (vanilla or kinky), a balance must be maintained. Both parties must be getting their respective needs met in a manner that is sensitive and nurturing to each person.

Relationships and the desires that exist within them are not static. They are evolving, organic, nurturing and sustaining to the parties involved. To deny this is to resign both parties to a lesser life (at best) or may push the lovers apart.

The changing nature of desire must be addressed or sooner or later both parties pay dearly. Is it easy to do? Not always. Is it worth working at? You bet it is.