Contemplating Polyamoury - The Joys and Challenges of Loving More Than One

I am blessed to have two very wonderful people in my life: my dear partner of almost sixteen years, known here as Lady and, more recently, a remarkable man you know as my Pet. Nothing in my life previously has prepared me for where I am right now. I am incredibly content, joyfully happy and perpetually in awe that there are two people who love me for all that I am, warts and all.

Yes, go ahead and reread the last line, I said "love." Love is one of those words that can mean very different things depending on the context and the people involved. I know I have loved more than one person at a time in my past, but have never acknowledged it until now. I was raised to accept monogamy (meaning one man and one woman) as the acceptable standard in terms of what constituted a normal, adult relationship. I married young and loved my husband. I also developed very strong feelings for two friends during that period of my life. One friend was male and the other female. I didn't call it love, but I felt it deeply and was troubled by it.

I have also had several very meaningful but brief encounters with several people in my past. I accepted and understood that our paths were only meant to cross for a brief time and had no difficulty enjoying those brief adventures to their fullest. Still, I felt troubled as I didn't know how to reconcile my own behavior with what I had been raised to consider was acceptable. Of course, all of this was before the internet era.

Now thanks to the World Wide Web, I know that there are many people out there who describe themselves as polyamourous and consider it to be entirely normal. I was surprised to find there are others out there who understand that what I feel for one person need not diminish what I feel for another; that my openness to love is not a sign of weak moral character, but rather a worthy strength. Still all of this was somewhat academic as my life had moved into a different phase and I was with someone who I believed would find anything other than monogamy unacceptable.

Then came the day and the public event where Lady slipped Pet's leash into my hand. She seemed to recognize that something was still missing for me and was determined to learn more about it. I can recall exactly how I felt at that moment: startled, confused and more than a little delirious.
The notion that she was willing to consider him a suitable play partner with which to stretch my "switch" wings was a complete surprise and a testament to how much she loves me. The idea that this intelligent young man would be willing to take on a completely inexperienced top was also startling and gratifying all at once. It's amazing to see how far we've all come in just under a year.

At first, my play sessions with Pet were very structured and somewhat supervised by Lady. At the same time, we all spent some time getting to know each other better, outside of play and included Lady. Over the months, our bonds have deepened. This past summer, we built my studio in the yard which is both a hobby and play space. This has given Pet and I some much needed privacy and a chance to stretch into new areas. It is also an indication of the regard that Lady feels for this relationship.

In between actual play sessions, Pet has become part of our family group. There is a domestic facet to our Pet/Keeper relationship where we do mundane things yet there is often a playful, naughtiness to our behavior. The humor we three share when in each other's company has strengthened those bonds even more. The other evening while Lady was working on the computer, Pet sat opposite me on the couch and held a skein of yarn while I wound it into a ball. I kept my foot on his crotch the whole time, pressing down on his balls, while the three of us chattered away.

Most mornings when he is visiting, Lady usually wakes first and snuggles me a while. Eventually I get up and Lady puts the coffee on. I climb into the hide-a-bed with Pet and snuggle him awake while our dogs mill around. It is warm, loving and completely natural. After a play session we often share video highlights with Lady and are just as likely to snuggle up together on the couch and watch a movie.

When the three of us are sharing the same space, I work to show both how much I care for them. I want both to see the very different gifts each brings to my life and how much I value them. I know both see the love I have for the other. This past weekend I made supper and baked a dessert. I sat in the middle with each of them on either end of the table and felt surrounded by love and acceptance. I doted on them both and reveled in their respective appreciation. I don't ever want either of them to feel marginalized. While my relationship with each of them is different as both have evolved very differently, I put as much as I can into the time I spend with each.

This past weekend, I finally acknowledged my feelings for Pet. Ours is much more than a casual play relationship. The funny thing is I acknowledged it with Lady while we were grocery shopping. I made a comment about Pet ending with "and I just love him to bits." It came out spontaneously and naturally. Still I turned to her to gauge her reaction. She said, "Of course you do sweetheart."

That evening after our play session, I told him how I felt - and not because I needed him to say anything one way or the other. I just wanted him to know that our relationship has become increasingly important to me and that it goes well beyond play. Not only do I take my role as his Keeper seriously, but also developed a deep affection that has grown into love. He is a part of my life now and stays with me even when we are apart. Lady 's regard for him is different than mine of course. Theirs is more of a friendship and happily both are more than willing to acknowledge that they are jointly responsible for my current state of bliss.

It is taking a tremendous amount of my energy, all of my empathetic and communication skills to continue nurturing this unique triangle, and I am happy to do it. My goal is to remain worthy of their love: to be a loving Keeper to my Pet and a loving Pet to my Lady.

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